Zombies for Dinner
November 14, 2016
By:
The Mogambo Guru
Did you ever notice how dinnertime conversation always seems to get around
to somebody asking you for money?
Or they want you to spend some of your Precious Mogambo Time (PMT)
with them, “doing” something “together as a family” where you act like a
“real father” for “a welcome change”?
Me, too! Weird huh?
And are you really, really getting tired of politely replying “Go to
hell”, only to have them unexpectedly get all angry and anti-social, for
absolutely no reason? Like some vicious bi-polar demons from hell?
Me, too! Again, weird huh?
Anyway, the reason that I bring this up is that last night’s dinner began
with the kids having some stupid-yet-serious discussion about some stupid
zombie show on TV. Zombies,
no less!
Naturally, being the ever-loving and devoted father who frets over the
education of his darling children, I am already aghast that half of young
people today have “no problem” with socialism.
At the risk of going off on a tangent where I become predictably
hysterical with outrage, this is absolute proof that our schools have been
taken over by evil socialists and communists to spread their laughable,
long-discredited, low-IQ theories of “all you need is love and an
expanding money supply.”
And now we’re discussing zombies, as if they really exist! Zombies, for
crying out loud!
I deftly seized the moment to provide some educational value to the
conversation which was obviously, by this time, sorely lacking.
So I helpfully offered “Did you notice that zombies never have any money?
I mean, it’s no wonder they dress so badly! And why they don’t go
to the dermatologist for their awful skin conditions! And how they want to
eat your brain for free, instead of walking into the deli and buying a
pound of brains, and maybe some nice pastrami to make sandwiches for
lunch.”
Immediately, all conversation stopped.
I was, of course, hoping that they were, at last, having an
epiphany about the importance of a functional monetary system.
Excitedly, I decided to start the tutorial with the basics.
“And they are so lazy and stupid that they don’t even try the
barter system!” I said. “The
zombies could offer some labor, like babysitting the kids for the weekend
so the desperate parents could get away for a long, relaxing retreat, in
exchange for the brain of a dead relative who died recently!”
Alas, they just sat there, looking at me with that blank look of
incomprehension upon their faces, but, thankfully, not actually drooling
in their slack-jawed bewilderment.
Quickly wrapping up this important lesson about zombies, ruinous monetary
policy and the evils of socialism with a triumphant flourish, I said “And
now their money is ruined, they are ruined, and everything is a
nightmarish, deathly dystopian mess. But note how they are still greedy
little socialists, wanting to eat your brain without paying for it!
Hahahaha!”
Naturally, I wanted them to suddenly say “Dad! How brilliant! A wonderful
way to segue from popular culture into a devastating and withering attack
on socialism and modern monetary policy! Tell us more!” while my wife
would sit beaming with pride, instead of everything immediately ending
with someone abruptly crying, jumping up and storming out, screaming
hysterically about how they hate me, wish I was dead, worst
father/husband/lunatic in the world, blah, blah, blah. You know.
The usual.
Instead, to my amazement neither happened. Perhaps trying a new tack to
shame me into behaving like a “normal” husband and father, they took up
the theme that I, they, and the whole family would benefit if I cared
about things other than monetary policy, gold, tasty snack foods, and, of
course, television.
Stung at the bitter criticism, I wanted to acidly reply right in their
nasty faces “Not care about gold and silver when the damnable Federal
Reserve is committing every monetary sin ever thought of by anyone,
anytime, anywhere in the history of the world, to expand government
spending, by exploding the money supply, and now actually buying
securities for itself to force asset prices up? Are you insane?”
But I didn’t say it. I admit I was distracted, as I was simultaneously
thinking of an essay by Chuck Butler of EverBank, who recently wrote “The
10 largest Central Banks now own assets totaling $21.4 trillion!”, and
which is a “10% increase from the end of last year”, and an essay by David
Stockman, of the eponymous DavidStockmansContraCorner.com, who wrote “at a
nosebleed 25X reported GAAP earnings, and after an 18% decline from their
September 2014 peak already, the broad stock market is more over-valued
than any time in history, including the peaks before 2008, 2000 and 1929.”
Any time in history! 1929! Ever! Yikes! Do you think this kind of insane
bubble market could possibly exist without an exploding money supply?
Hahahahaha!
Fortunately, in the nick of time I remembered that gently reminding family
members that they are insane always, somehow, devolves into a shouting
match, everybody arguing with me about who is REALLY insane around here,
and who is always so insanely paranoid that he is armed to the teeth and
bleating incessantly about how the evil Federal Reserve is creating so
terrifyingly much cash and credit that inflation in consumer prices will
destroy us like it has destroyed Every Freaking Nation In History (EFNIHY)
that tried such silly and suicidal crap.
And now including zombies!
Instead of going down that dark road, I decided to lighten the mood.
“Hey! It’s riddle time! You like riddles, don’t you?” I jovially
asked. “So, answer this: How is having gold like having children?”
Surprisingly, they replied almost in unison “Because you love gold and you
hate us!”
Shocked that they would think such a terrible thing about their own loving
dad, I had to gently admonish them “The riddle is how are they ALIKE, you
morons, not different!”
Things went surprisingly downhill at that point, and nobody even tried to
solve the riddle.
Of course, the answer is obvious when you think about it. The answer is
that kids are like gold because they are both necessary investments and
insurance in the future, but, in the meantime, a really giant pain in my
Big Mogambo Butt (BMB).
How, you ask? Why is gold
such a pain in my BMB? Well, owning silver and gold, and storing silver
and gold, and safeguarding silver and gold is, as previously mentioned in
a paragraph above, a giant pain in my Big Mogambo Butt (BMB), especially
when you drop a roll of ounces and they go skittering all over the place
and you have to crawl around on your hands and knees looking for them
under furniture, and you hit your head, and you get dust bunnies and
spiderwebs all over you, and it’s, well, take it from me, a giant pain in
the BMB.
Ditto having kids is a pain in my BMB, but they will be valuable one day
when I am old and will need people to wait on me hand and foot, wiping
drool off my chin, endlessly ferrying me back and forth to a long list of
medical professionals, and serving as volunteer organ donors in case, you
know, I need a little something in the “transplant” vein.
I can hear you asking “What in the hell is the point? Is there a point to
any of this? Do you ever have a point, you moron? Or is it that you are
willing to marginally extend your own life by a few years by harvesting
your children?”
Yes, there is a point, as I will now make, since that you have asked so
nicely. The point is that nobody can stop the monetary insanity, and the
Federal Reserve and the other central banks must keep creating cash and
credit until it is, literally, no longer possible.
Why? Because so much, so terrifyingly much, so stupendously much, so
unbelievably much debt is owed that it is utterly impossible to even start
trying to pay it back, because the economy would completely and
calaclysmically collapse if we did.
So, cleverly summarizing, it is ruinous bankruptcy now for everybody if we
stop going into more debt, but it is possible to keep the game going a
little longer with ever-larger infusions of new cash and credit so that we
have a bigger, MORE ruinous bankruptcy later on.
And it is not just Wall Street insiders who would suffer. Public pensions
are underfunded by grossly unpayable amounts, all retirement savings of
all private pensions are invested in the stock and bond markets, and
government is getting bigger and bigger. Mike Maloney of Goldsilver.com
notes that there are about 10 million more people working for a government
(local, state and federal) than are people working in manufacturing, which
is a truly chilling statistic.
In a related ugly factoid, zerohedge.com notes that the latest BLS report
shows that “Since 2014 the US has added 547,000 waiters and bartenders and
lost 36,000 manufacturing workers.”
In short, We’re Freaking Doomed (WFD): Eventual WFD if we keep amassing
more and more un-payable debt, and we’re likewise WFD if we stop, as the
saying goes, Right Freaking Now (RFN).
Please notice the temporal, time element in that last statement.
Astute political scientists,
Junior Mogambo Rangers (JMRs), corrupt politicians, greedy banks and
financial-sector scumbags instantly recognize our future inherent in it: a
devastating market/economic meltdown, or a declaration of war, or both,
will provide an excuse for more monetary insanity.
Then will be the time for “Money, money, money!
Saving pensions! Saving jobs!
Saving banks! Saving everybody and everything, as far as the eye can see!
And if there are really zombies, then them, too!”
And then it will be time for consumer inflation to soar as it destroys the
economy (as history says it inevitably will) and it will be time for gold
to pay off (as history says it will), and time for the kids to pay off
what they owe me (one way or the other) for putting up with them all these
years.
In the meantime, I have some Happy Mogambo News (HMN)!
You can relax! Take five!
Take a break! Smoke if you got ‘em, because governments and delusional
Keynesian economists will do everything they can to make sure it is not
today, or anytime really soon, regardless of how devastatingly worse it
will eventually make things. Maybe featuring zombies.
And so, with a little more time to accumulate silver and gold to make sure
you will not financially die, and organ donors maturing at hand to make
sure that you don’t literally die, you gotta realize that “Whee! This
investing stuff is easy!”