A Modest Proposal From A Modest Man
September 7, 2015
By:
The Mogambo Guru
I am, I modestly admit, a modest man. A modest man who just happens to be
a powerhouse economic genius, a towering, incandescent intellect whose
every idle utterance is brilliant, unalloyed cosmic wisdom wrapped in pure
gold.
To back up my seemingly boastful claim, I present a piece of my immortal
advice (as just one of many pearls of profound wisdom found in the classic
book, Economica Mogambo), “If you’re not buying gold and silver bullion in
times like these, then you’re a moron! Moron!”
With impressive credentials like this, I am constantly puzzled as to why
so few heads of state or benevolent overlords from outer space grovel and
kneel before me, imploring me to set things economically aright.
If they did, I would sagely say “Round up the Keynesian trash
infesting the economic system! It is they who have commanded the Federal
Reserve to flood the economy with excess cash and credit, lo these many
decades! Haul their worthless carcasses to a dank and dreaded dungeon!
Then gloriously back, back, back to the blissful happiness of a
stable money-supply, guaranteed by the gold standard! And then Very Bad
Things (VBT) like these will never, ever, ever, never in a million,
jillion years, happen again!”
Of course, the hate mail rudely decrying my overwhelming brilliance is
usually more of a, shall we say, personal nature.
As in “I hate your guts because you are always touting gold and
silver, and (pick one: I, my mother, a sibling, a distant relative, a
friend, a neighbor, people I vaguely know, people I heard about, complete
strangers, dead people) idiotically followed your stupid advice, and have
lost money the whole time!
“And don’t,” they usually continue, “give me/us/them a lot of explanatory
crap about the evil Federal Reserve creating the oceans of cash and credit
that created the unsustainable bubbles in stocks, bubbles in bonds,
bubbles in houses, bubbles in debt, and bubbles in sizes of governments,
and that the reason that gold and silver are NOT reacting like they should
in the face of such incomprehensible monetary and fiscal insanity is
because the greedy, evil Federal Reserve and the corrupt-to-the-core
government actually admitted that they control all the markets (which they
are allowed to do, according to corrupt laws the corrupt government passed
to allow them to do illegal things!!!).
because that is just too, too complicated!”
As a result, I’ve been staying holed up, seething in anger, in the Mogambo
Bunker Of Paranoid Rage (MBOPR) to get away from these hateful people,
plus continue to distance myself from nosy neighbors, government spies,
and children and spouses who want me to partake in some stupid “family
activity” where I would have to be around them all day, where you can’t
even have a decent conversation with anybody.
For example, (trying to get into the spirit of “family outing”), I
innocently ask “Well, what do you think of the evil Federal Reserve, and
how they have utterly destroyed America and, by extension, the world?”
Instead of having a nice, relaxing discussion about monetary policy and
its incestuous relations with government’s fiscal policies, they lamely
say “Please don’t! We don’t want to talk about that today! Today we are
just a happy family on a pleasant little outing! Let’s talk about how much
fun we are having, and how nice the weather is and how blue the sky, and
how it is so nice just to be with each other! Please, daddy?”
Naturally, sensing a trap, I reply “You don’t want to talk about the
economic horrors about to descend upon us, thanks to the evil Federal
Reserve not only creating excess cash and credit, decade after decade, and
forcing other central banks to do the same thing, and committing the
outrageous central-bank sin of actually monetizing debt, but also actually
providing the financing for the government to control every freaking
market in the Whole Freaking Country (WFC), maintain the bubbles at
tremendous and painful cost? What are you, some kind of morons?”
Well, to show you their woeful lack of conversational skills, the
“conversation” immediately went downhill, them calmly denying that they
are morons, and that, instead (get this!) it is ME that is the moron!
Me!
Of course, if they don’t want to make a scene in public, that is fine with
me, as it makes me much more dominating when I am screaming “No, I will
NOT ‘settle down’ and stop embarrassing you because YOU’RE the morons, you
MORONS, and I am embarrassed to have a family that can’t be outraged at
the infamy of the Federal Reserve and their ludicrous Keynesian excuse for
insane, suicidal, large-scale, long-term expansions of the money supply
that will destroy us all, which will be (checking my watch) any minute
now! Morons! MORONS, I tells ya!”
So, why put myself through the hassle? But staying the Mogambo Bunker Of
Paranoid Rage (MBOPR), plotting the simultaneous overthrow of all the
governments of the world and putting me, Emperor Mogambo (“All hail
Emperor Mogambo!”), in charge, is not as easy as I had hoped.
So, I have decided to be “part of the solution, not part of the problem.”
My solution: To spend incomprehensible amounts of money, I will convince
the government, through the Fed’s monetizing of more debt, to fund the
technology for Gigantic Perpetual-Motion Machines (GPMM), founded on the
bedrock principles of Keynesian economics instead of physics.
In Keynesian economics, they ignore the inconvenient fact every time in
all of history when any dirtbag government so drastically increased the
money supply, it ended in disaster.
In my new GPMM program, we will ignore the inconvenient facts that
perpetual motion is impossible and that the technologies necessary for
such a preposterous device are likewise impossible.
Nevertheless, it will be magnificent, expensive program of constructing
gigantic flywheels weighing a billion tons each, and the humongous axle
will be supported by three tiny, almost frictionless, needle bearings. The
theory is that the enormous momentum of a billion tons of rotating mass
will so overwhelm the little bit of friction of the bearings that the
inertia/drag ratio will approach infinity!
Okay, it’s insane by virtue of Newtonian physics and the technology could
not possibly exist, but it is pure Keynesian economics!
How could it fail to goose the economy to health, except to not
spend more and more money, all the time more and more money, until
inflation in the prices of food and energy, and the deflation of
overpriced assets, destroy us?
In the meantime, though, I suggest that you invest in gold and silver.
Perpetual motion? Keynesian economics? Gold and silver? Only the latter
two have never failed, whereas the two former have never succeeded, mostly
because they can’t.
You want facts? There they are.
And how elegantly simple it makes things!
Whee! This investing stuff is easy!