Chuck Norris - Sensi to Rumpelstiltskin
February 9, 2014
By:
The Mogambo Guru
As the scene opens, lights swirl in the eerie black background, crazily
careening in a whirling kaleidoscope of disjointed light and dark.
In the distance, sirens dimly wail.
My face half-hidden in the gloom, I am mindlessly wiping the
gleaming barrel of what appears to be a machinegun when I dully look up
into the camera lens.
Staring directly into the camera, my narrowed, bloodshot eyes darting from
side to side like the frightened little rat that I am, I feverishly say in
a hoarse whisper “The Federal Reserve is monetizing the debt! We’re
Freaking Doomed (WFD)!”
This is, as is implied in the hysterical fear in my eyes, only the tip of
the whole seamy iceberg, as the slimy government has reached new depths of
depravity by admitting to actively engaging in manipulating the stock
market, the bond market, the housing market, the student loan market, and
now the gold and silver markets. Everything. “Supporting” them, as they
say, but all financed by the evil Federal Reserve creating mountains of
currency and credit to pay for it.
Perhaps this horrible, nightmarish knowledge of widespread official fraud
and corruption is causing the look of pained anguish on my face, like that
irritated look I get when I stub my pitching wedge, the ball flubs a few
inches, or drops into (“plop”) a sand trap, or, worse, zips screaming
across the green, as if to mock me, BEFORE heading straight into the sand
trap on the OTHER side of the damned green, whereupon I wince at its
stinging taunts, shouting “Shut up! Shut up! Shut up, damn you! I’ll get
you for this, you stupid ball!”
Or perhaps my suppressed screaming outrage is causing the bulging of those
selfsame narrowed-yet-bloodshot eyes, like when my little one-foot putt,
for a double bogey, lips out of the cup, or the way that my fists are
clenched in rage like when some laughing lowlife on the adjoining fairway
yells out to me “Hey, moron! You stink! Take some golf lessons! You need
‘em!”
Perhaps is it all of these things, or even and/or other worrisome worries,
like, oh, I dunno, maybe worrying that your wife is putting poison in your
food, and even though she denies it and readily agrees to your demand of
switching plates every forkful, you can see her surreptitiously watching
your every move, her devious little mind mulling over dark plans to get
around your clever ploy to foul her fiendish plot.
Or perhaps the worst part is people coming up to me and saying “Hey!
Aren’t you that Loudmouth Mogambo Moron (LMM) who has been yelling at me
to buy gold and silver all this time, and when I didn’t, you yelled at me
and told me what a moron I am?”
Proudly I puff out my chest and say “Yep! That’s me!”
Then I have to listen to them curse at me, and laugh at me, their scorn
palpable, since gold and silver have been such terrible investments for
the past couple of years thanks to the government manipulation, while
stocks and bonds have gone up in price thanks to government manipulation.
So, as I never tired of saying, woe is me.
I suffer the torment of being Absolutely Freaking Correct (AFC) in that
history has shown that gold and silver are the premier investments when
governments are acting so fiscally and/or monetarily bizarre. And now the
American central bank has created so insanely much currency and credit
that everything and everyone is staggeringly debt-besotted to the
unbelievable tune of over 400 percent -- perhaps as high as 700 percent!
-- of GDP!
Yet the prices of gold and silver have declined to essentially the cost of
production, thanks to the new-found fact of government-approved and
government-perpetrated interventions and manipulations, so that random
Earthling chumps feel justified in coming up to me and sticking their
stupid little faces in my stupid little face and dare -- dare! -- to
criticize me for the losses in their gold holdings, when they should be
down (down!) be on their knees (knees!) thanking me (thanking!) for
dispensing (dispensing!) Immortal Mogambo Advice (IMA) like “Buy gold,
silver and oil, and if you don’t, it will prove that you are some kind of
moron, and probably a Keynesian moron, which is the worst kind of moron!”
And speaking of lowlife Keynesian morons, I introduce Janet Yellen, the
new chairman of the Federal Reserve, one of the laughably worst of the
Keynesian morons, and to whom I have always been, and continue to be, very
rude in that way that can only be described as Classic Mogambo Contempt
(CMC).
Perhaps Dan Cofall of the eponymous Cofall Letter nailed her the best when
he caught her saying that the Federal Reserve “…isn’t just about fighting
inflation or monitoring the financial system. It’s about trying to help
ordinary households get back on their feet and about creating a labor
market where people can feel secure and work and get ahead.”
What?!? The use of the interrobang as punctuation lets you know, right off
the bat, that both Junior Mogambo Ranger (JMR) Dan and I were, and remain,
completely apoplectic at the absolute preposterousness of the Fed
“creating a labor market,” much less one “where people can feel secure and
work and get ahead.” How in
the hell does a bank DO a thing like that? The Congress has been trying,
and failing, to do that for a hundred years! Hahaha!
The only good news in the avalanche of bad news is that gold is, so some
say, selling at the cost of production, which is a good news/bad news kind
of thing.
It’s bad news for someone holding gold as the price goes down, but good
news for those buying it.
The really good news that comes from this is that this can’t keep up for
long in the face of relentless, massive Chinese buying, and I’m betting on
the apparent historical imperative for people to accumulate gold and
silver in tough times. And so
people who buy gold and silver right now are going to capitalize --
big-time -- on the government’s shameless corruption! It’s just a matter
of time Whee!
And one of these reapers of financial bonanza will be a guy calling
himself Chuck Norris, whose tagline was resplendent with a photo of Chuck
Norris, responding to an article at zerohedge.com, who writes “I'm not
that mad gold has been artificially suppressed. It allowed me to
accumulate it at better prices. I hope it stays low longer,
actually. I'm just gonna buy more!!”
Of course there are those who dispute whether or not this is THE Chuck
Norris, he of “Walker, Texas Ranger,” since the REAL Chuck Norris is so
superhuman that he can actually karate-kick ingots of lead so hard that
they turn INTO gold.
So why would he even bother with accumulating actual gold like us mere
mortals, except to show that he’s smart enough to know about the Austrian
school of economics and, indeed, the economic history of the world, as
well as being a handsome and rich actor, and one helluva rompin’,
stompin’, butt-kicking Junior Mogambo Ranger (JMR) kind of guy?
To settle the dispute, we examine Mr. Norris’ punctuation choice, which
clearly shows the use of two --count ‘em, two! -- exclamation points,
which is a secret code whereby all Junior Mogambo Rangers (JMRs) instantly
know “this is something important.”
Think about it. And it is.
Think. About. It.